Category: life or something like it

Aug 28 2006

the 20’s

Today is the last day of my 20’s.  I’m looking forward to my 30’s.  I’m full of anticipation for the next decade of my life.  As I think back on my 20’s, there are a lot of things I thought I’d have figured out by now.  But in the end, I’m ok with not knowing those things.  Life has a funny way of sorting things out on its own.  Things come in due time.  Since I seem to be more willing to share some of my poetry these days, here is a poem I wrote at the beginning of the decade.  In that spirit, I plan to try to write a poem in the next day or so to celebrate the beginning of this new decade of my life.

twenty.png

 

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Aug 19 2006

mountain climbing

Often when we have a goal in mind we try to take the straightest possible route to that goal.  However often, the straight route isn’t always the fastest or best route.  The example given to me this morning was of a sail boat tacking.  Since I haven’t done much sailing in my life, I can relate to it more in terms of hiking and climbing mountains.  When trails are built and there is a high grade of elevation gain to overcome, they are often built with switchbacks.  While in terms of distance, the trail becomes longer, it is actually easier on our bodies and often faster then trying to head straight up the side of a mountain.  (Actually come to think of it the principles are the same in sailing at trail building)

At my discernment meeting this morning, the group decided to bring itself to an end.  As a group (me included) it was discerned that now is not the time for me to pursue the priesthood.  It wasn’t a no, but a not yet.  I’m incrediably thankful for the members of my discernment group and all of the support they gave me throughout this part of the process.

So what does this all mean for me now?  Honestly, I have no clue.  For the immediate future, I am working up at OHSU as a Performance Analyst (at least that is what they are going to call the official position once they post it).  It’s actually a pretty cool job as office jobs go.  When they post the permanant position it’ll be only 0.6FTE, however that might not be a bad thing as it would give me the opportunity to explore other things.

What I need to remember now is: (1) Look for the positive things in the developments of the last week. (2) Learn from all the events that have affected my life in the last six months. (3) Pray and the Pray again.  (4) Be thankful for the wonderful friends I have.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/08/mountain-climbing/

Aug 18 2006

a rhino walks

a rhino walks

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Aug 16 2006

crossroad blues

I went to the crossroad
     fell down on my knees
I went to the crossroad
     fell down on my knees
Asked the Lord above “Have mercy, now
     save poor Bob, if you please.”
Mmmmm, standin’ at the crossroad
     I tried to flag a ride
Standin’ at the crossroad
     I tried to flag a ride
Didn’t nobody seem to know me, babe
     everybody pass me by
Mmm, the sun goin’ down, boy
     dark gon’ catch me here
oooo ooee eeee
     boy, dark gon’ catch me here
I haven’t got no lovin’ sweet woman that
     love and feel my care
You can run, you can run
     tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
You can run
     tell my friend-boy Willie Brown
Lord, that I’m standin’ at the crossroad, babe
     I believe I’m sinkin’ down

— Robert Johnson “Cross Road Blues (Take 2)”

I am standing right at the crossroad right now.  I need to fall down on my knees and ask the Lord, “Where oh where do I go now?”  I feel lost, and I’m not sure how to find my way home.  The paths that I know are in front of me are, the road to seminary and teaching English in Japan for at least a year.  Other than that, its an unknown path.  My ever precarious finances may make the Japan option a little more difficult.  I’ll need to have about $2000 set aside to cover airfare and expenses when I first get over there.  Which is of course about $2000 more than I have set aside in savings at the moment.  The road to seminary feels like its a little impassable for the moment.  Leaving just the unknown.

I honestly don’t know what I am going to do, if not on the path towards seminary.  The Japan option would just be a short detour on that path more than anything else.  If I do deviate from the seminary path, then where do I go, what do I do?  Do I stay in Portland?

Right now, all I can do is fall down on my knees and listen for that still small voice.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/08/crossroad-blues/

Aug 04 2006

discerning the possibilities

It has been an interesting few months for me and my discernment process.  I’m not entirely sure if it has completely broken down or just taken a few steps backwards.  As it is for the moment, my committee is scheduled to meet again on Aug. 18th.  I still have not completed the last “formal” assignment the committee gave me back in May.  However, I am going to work on the essays over the next week and see if I can’t get something done for it.

What I’m most trying to figure out right now is what to do in the near term.  I have an interview with a company to teach english in Japan on Aug. 9th.  I’m still trying to decide whether or not I’d take the job if it is offered to me.  On one hand, it’ll be an incredible experience.  I’ll get to live abroad for a year, work on becoming semi-fluent in another language and eat lots of sushi.   On the other hand, the timeline to head off to seminary will be most definitely postponed.  One of the things that I’m wrestling with however, is whether or not my summer hiccup hasn’t already pushed back seminary until at least 2008.  If I do end up accepting a position in Japan, I will probably move my stuff down to Eugene and do some temp work there until I leave in order to save as much money as possible.

If I do end up deciding to stick to the current course of action and stay in Portland there are things I must decide here as well.  Things with my roommate have still not recovered to a point where I’d like them to be.  I’ve made an effort to move on from the anger and hurt I felt from his actions of a couple months ago.  For the most part that has made things a lot better.  However, every once in awhile, I really get a little down because he doesn’t really make any effort to include/invite me in/to things even though I have.  So I’ll need to decide whether or not I need to find a new place to live.  It just sucks sometimes feeling so alone in a place, even though you have a roommate…and feeling alone even if he’s there.

So that’s where things are at for the moment.  I’m not sure if I’ll post again until after the discernment committee gathering on the 18th. 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/08/discerning-the-possibilities/

Jul 27 2006

blogging

One of the things about blogging is that it can sometimes get you in trouble.  Recently this has been in the news again with the firing of the writer of petiteanglaise.com [Read the CNN Article].  This phenomena has even made it into internet slang as being “dooced” named from the website of one of the first publicized instances of this happening [dooce.com]

So what does this mean for this blog?  Well for starters it makes me consider the things I post about (at least publicly).  While this blog isn’t widely publicized, it wouldn’t be that hard for someone to find it if they wanted to.  So there have been a few things that I’ve wanted to write about, however have refrained from posting them, because I’m not sure how someone down the road will read into them.  Eventually, I hope to be able to protect some entries, allowing known people to access them (through a login and password).  However the plugin for the blogging software I’m currently using does not quite have the functions I want yet.  A pending version looks to be more of what I’m looking for.  Until then, some of my entries will remain unpublished.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/07/blogging/

Jul 14 2006

the times….they are a changing

My process has gone into a bit of a self-imposed hiatus. While I have managed to pick up a temporary job that will allow me to have the money to cover August’s rent, my financial situation is still tenuious at best. Its a little frustrating to me, as I was finally making some progress on my path to seminary. While I haven’t had a lot of time to concentrate on this process in the past month or so, I have been doing a little work on it as well. I recently re-read Bill Countryman’s book Living on the Border of the Holy: Renewing the Priesthood of All. Once I get a little more settled with my current job situation, I’ll probably re-read it again, as there was definitely more that I wanted to delve into with that book. Especially in regards to my call towards an ordained ministry. I really like the idea though, that we are all priests in the church and that the “ordained” priesthood is just a sacramental priesthood and that we shouldn’t view the ordained/laiety groups as opposites.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/07/the-timesthey-are-a-changing/

Jun 27 2006

discernment and the state of the state

I have for approximately six years been striving towards a goal of attending seminary and becoming an Episcopal priest. It has been a long journey to get there and get to the point where this goal was within site. One of the first things holding me up on this journey has been the completion of my undergraduate degree. Between my poor study habits and only going to school part time, this ended up taking quite awhile. However, with the completion of a French class this past spring I have finally completed the requirements to receive my degree. The second thing holding me up in my process has been moves. Sometimes this is just moving parishes in the same town, but it has also been moving cities as well. But all that aside, I am finally have a discernment committee going and am more or less officially in the process towards gaining approval to go to seminary on an ordination track.

Which brings me to the last couple of months. After a time of relatively little struggle and making some progress to my goal, I’ve encountered some difficult times. First, it was at a relationship level. Then just about the time that I was coming to terms with that struggle, my job situation went downhill. At the firm where I have been working there has been a lot of turnover among the office management. Eventually that has led to my dismissal as the last manager and my personalities did not gel. While this wouldn’t be as big of a deal in a bigger office, our office was basically a two person office. So it was important that our personalities were compatible.

So what does this all mean to my journey. Well, to be honest I’m not really sure. I have been struggling with some doubt in regards to it or at least the timing. I feel a little lost right now, in both my love and work lives. I’m struggling a lot with fear right now. What happens if my process stalls? What do I do if it does? What happens if I don’t find a new job quickly? I have faith…but I also have doubts. I still feel very strongly about my call to the priesthood, yet I struggle to put it in the right words. Most of all I wonder what is next for me. What do I do now…before I can go to seminary?

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/06/discernment-and-the-state-of-the-state/

May 13 2006

the road less traveled

I’ve lately been looking through some of my old poems in order to help find some of the ways that I began to understand my call to the priesthood.  The poem below was written when I was in very early stages of understanding my call.

2nd_look.png

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/05/the-road-less-traveled/

Apr 24 2006

what’s ahead (at least in the short term)

So I’ve had some time to think about the options for the next few months that I was considering last month.  I have decided that the Los Angeles option is not going to happen.  While it would be a great opportunity, now is not the time for that path.

As for the other option of pursuing some sort of mission work with the church…that is still on the radar, but as an attraction.  Its something that I will explore more if for some reason my current discernment process stalls for some reason.  For now I feel what is best is to keep going down the path I am already on.

It definitely did help that my roommate (and one of my best friends) has decided to stick around for awhile.  He was considering moving back to where his family lives (St. Louis).  So for now the status quo will remain in effect.  Though we do have start looking for a new third roommate as our temporary roommate from Quebec is leaving mid-May.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/04/whats-ahead-at-least-in-the-short-term/