Category: discernment

Jul 27 2006

blogging

One of the things about blogging is that it can sometimes get you in trouble.  Recently this has been in the news again with the firing of the writer of petiteanglaise.com [Read the CNN Article].  This phenomena has even made it into internet slang as being “dooced” named from the website of one of the first publicized instances of this happening [dooce.com]

So what does this mean for this blog?  Well for starters it makes me consider the things I post about (at least publicly).  While this blog isn’t widely publicized, it wouldn’t be that hard for someone to find it if they wanted to.  So there have been a few things that I’ve wanted to write about, however have refrained from posting them, because I’m not sure how someone down the road will read into them.  Eventually, I hope to be able to protect some entries, allowing known people to access them (through a login and password).  However the plugin for the blogging software I’m currently using does not quite have the functions I want yet.  A pending version looks to be more of what I’m looking for.  Until then, some of my entries will remain unpublished.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/07/blogging/

Jul 14 2006

the times….they are a changing

My process has gone into a bit of a self-imposed hiatus. While I have managed to pick up a temporary job that will allow me to have the money to cover August’s rent, my financial situation is still tenuious at best. Its a little frustrating to me, as I was finally making some progress on my path to seminary. While I haven’t had a lot of time to concentrate on this process in the past month or so, I have been doing a little work on it as well. I recently re-read Bill Countryman’s book Living on the Border of the Holy: Renewing the Priesthood of All. Once I get a little more settled with my current job situation, I’ll probably re-read it again, as there was definitely more that I wanted to delve into with that book. Especially in regards to my call towards an ordained ministry. I really like the idea though, that we are all priests in the church and that the “ordained” priesthood is just a sacramental priesthood and that we shouldn’t view the ordained/laiety groups as opposites.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/07/the-timesthey-are-a-changing/

Jun 27 2006

discernment and the state of the state

I have for approximately six years been striving towards a goal of attending seminary and becoming an Episcopal priest. It has been a long journey to get there and get to the point where this goal was within site. One of the first things holding me up on this journey has been the completion of my undergraduate degree. Between my poor study habits and only going to school part time, this ended up taking quite awhile. However, with the completion of a French class this past spring I have finally completed the requirements to receive my degree. The second thing holding me up in my process has been moves. Sometimes this is just moving parishes in the same town, but it has also been moving cities as well. But all that aside, I am finally have a discernment committee going and am more or less officially in the process towards gaining approval to go to seminary on an ordination track.

Which brings me to the last couple of months. After a time of relatively little struggle and making some progress to my goal, I’ve encountered some difficult times. First, it was at a relationship level. Then just about the time that I was coming to terms with that struggle, my job situation went downhill. At the firm where I have been working there has been a lot of turnover among the office management. Eventually that has led to my dismissal as the last manager and my personalities did not gel. While this wouldn’t be as big of a deal in a bigger office, our office was basically a two person office. So it was important that our personalities were compatible.

So what does this all mean to my journey. Well, to be honest I’m not really sure. I have been struggling with some doubt in regards to it or at least the timing. I feel a little lost right now, in both my love and work lives. I’m struggling a lot with fear right now. What happens if my process stalls? What do I do if it does? What happens if I don’t find a new job quickly? I have faith…but I also have doubts. I still feel very strongly about my call to the priesthood, yet I struggle to put it in the right words. Most of all I wonder what is next for me. What do I do now…before I can go to seminary?

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/06/discernment-and-the-state-of-the-state/

May 13 2006

the road less traveled

I’ve lately been looking through some of my old poems in order to help find some of the ways that I began to understand my call to the priesthood.  The poem below was written when I was in very early stages of understanding my call.

2nd_look.png

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/05/the-road-less-traveled/

Apr 24 2006

what’s ahead (at least in the short term)

So I’ve had some time to think about the options for the next few months that I was considering last month.  I have decided that the Los Angeles option is not going to happen.  While it would be a great opportunity, now is not the time for that path.

As for the other option of pursuing some sort of mission work with the church…that is still on the radar, but as an attraction.  Its something that I will explore more if for some reason my current discernment process stalls for some reason.  For now I feel what is best is to keep going down the path I am already on.

It definitely did help that my roommate (and one of my best friends) has decided to stick around for awhile.  He was considering moving back to where his family lives (St. Louis).  So for now the status quo will remain in effect.  Though we do have start looking for a new third roommate as our temporary roommate from Quebec is leaving mid-May.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/04/whats-ahead-at-least-in-the-short-term/

Apr 23 2006

how did i get here?

So I still seem to be struggling with articulating how I got to the point where I am now with my call.  Or more importantly…how I realized my call.  Its been such a long time that I’ve felt that the priesthood is my “calling” that I have in some ways forgotten how I got to this point. 

Vocationally, I have always felt most fulfilled in my career when I’ve working in positions of service.  I’ve had a few different jobs in my short career history. I’m going to touch on four of the significant ones (at least in terms of my vocational discernment).

First: (in chronological order)
My first longer term job during college was at LensCrafters in the lab manufacturing glasses.  This job wasn’t difficult on an intellectual level…once I learned the processes, it was in fact pretty mechanical/repetitive.  But I felt I was truely helping others to see, eventually learning more than just the manufacturing processes, but also many of the skills of an optician.  I think perhaps this when I first began to understand the rewards of living a life of service to the community.

Second:
My second long term job during college was working at Symantec in the Order Processing department.  This was an entry level job that I hoped would get me in the door to something in the tech support/desktop support/IT fields.  I worked there for about 2.5 years.  The last six months of this job was incredibely draining on both my physical psyche and spiritual self.  I think a large part of this, was that I wasn’t able to see my career as doing anything to serve the community.  Now I know that in a way I was serving the community and that in everything I do, I should be doing it in a spirit of humility and servitude.  I just wasn’t seeing it.

By this time in my academic career, I had also moved on to a goal of going to seminary as opposed to getting a teaching certificate.  Since my career at Symantec was stagnating, I decided to leave my job there and go back to school full time to finish my degree.  That way I could finally get started on my goal of going to seminary.

Third:
After completing my final term at the UofO, I began to look for a full time job to support myself while I began the process towards heading to seminary.  At first I looked mainly in Eugene, however eventually I had to expand my search to Portland, as I was having difficulty finding a job.  Part of the problem during this job search was I knew what I wanted to do for a career, however I couldn’t do it yet, because there was still this process to complete.  So in a way I was rudderless.  I ended up getting a job as an “Admissions Advisor” for an online university.  This was basically an inside sales job.  I emphasize inside because while all our leads were supposably “warm,” many of them were actually requesting some other sort of information when they gave us their information.  In our training we were told to find the “pain” of the person we were talking to and use that to help them complete an education and overcome that pain.  For example, this was not long after a couple of hurricanes had struck Florida.  In training we were told ways to overcome the potential students objections for reasons like “Well I don’t really have a computer because it and my house were destroyed during the hurricane.”  Our reponse was supposed to be along the lines of; “Well what better time to return to school and complete your education while you are rebuilding other aspects of your life as well.”

In the end, I could not ascribe to the philosophy of the place I was working.  I wasn’t comfortable exploiting the “pains” of the community for the benefit of my corporate bosses.  I began to look for another job, eventually finding something with a temporary agency at a substantial paycut.  This paycut was worth every penny in peace of mind however.

Fourth:
At my current job, I am a paralegal/office manager for a small local branch of a larger national law firm.  Our firm practices in consumer bankruptcies.  Once again I am in a position where I am serving the community.  One of the things that I really enjoy about this job is the added benefit of some intellectual stimulation and being able to utilize my administrative skills (which I feel to be one of my better skill sets).  For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying my job, despite it just being a job and not a vocation.  More importantly, I am able to live my “priestly” vocation in my current job.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/04/how-did-i-get-here/

Apr 22 2006

“just a deacon…?”

So one of the things over heard at my friends ordination on thursday was: “So he’s just being ordained as a deacon?”  To which the woman sitting next to me whispers: “Just a deacon?”  She being in the final stages of her process to be ordained to the deaconate.  For the non-Episcopalians reading this there are two types of deacons in the Episcopal Church.  There is a vocational deaconate…which is the folks that are called to the deaconate as a vocation.  And there is the transitional deaconate, which is what my friend was ordained to.  This is a period of approx. six months before being ordained to the “full” priesthood.

So at my monthly discernment committee meeting on friday, I was telling the members about being at the ordination.  However, none of us were quite sure what the purpose of the transitional deaconate.  So I decided to email my friend and ask him what he thought about it. 

His simple answer was it was a time on going discerment.  A period of time for the church and yourself to make sure that this “call” is the right thing after all.  More importantly (at least in his opinion), is that it gives you chance to begin to identify with the sense of servanthood and servent leadership that is critical for clergy.  I like that idea.

One of the things I did this weekend is re-read the ordination services for both the deaconate and the priesthood.  That was a good thing for me to do…to look at the differences in the service and apply them to what I see my call being.  That however will have to be touched on in a future post. 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/04/just-a-deacon/

Apr 20 2006

…Maundy Thursday (cont.)

…one the the places i always feel most connected to my “call” is during the Maundy Thursday service.  It always seems to ground my feeling of the call.  When I’m having doubts about my call to the priesthood…it brings me back into it.  When my call is getting a little egoistic…it helps to bring me back to my knees and ground me.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/04/maundy-thursday-cont/

Apr 03 2006

a weekend in retreat (sort of)

the weekend was spent in spokane, staffing the prov 8 young adult & higher ed gathering.  the weekend went off with only a few minor glitches, and everyone seemed to have a good time.  this year’s theme was “turning off the noise” and the gathering was purposefully designed to encourage everyone to listen to the silence.  its not an easy thing…this listening for God in the silence.  my mind often wandered.  especially about what my plans should be for the short term.

my options are this:

First: stay here in portland, at my current job, continue the process, but probably be a little unhappy with my current job.

Second: talk to my friend in LA and see if he needs an assistant for next year.  possibily continue the process in the diocese of oregon, but if need be, start it in LA.

Third: look more into the international mission project from the national church.  possibly go to India or China (or some other place).

The key thing to reconcile with each of these options is my desire to start seminary in the fall of 2007.  Right now I’m really not sure which way I should go.  I need to get a little more information about each of the second two options though.

I have some more decompressing to do on this subject (and the conference), which I’ll have to do later.  My brain is still kinda mushy from the loss of an hour and the drive home yesterday. 

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/04/a-weekend-in-retreat-sort-of/

Mar 29 2006

Practicing Resurrection

So one of the suggestions of my discernment committee was to read the book Practicing Resurrection by Nora Gallagher. I finished the book this morning and there were three passages I bookmarked for further contemplation.

On discernment:

I had thought at the beginning that it would be a matter of looking for signs or listening for voices, not too many steps away from divining tea leaves. But it had become a different matter. It had been as if I were invited into a slow stripping away to expose what lay underneath. Some aspect of myself or a part of the past would rise up, something left unattended and unresolved, to which I’d grown so accustomed I did not see it, like the low-lying tree branch in the backyard I instinctively duck. Often a person would bump into this long-held secret I kept from myself, sometimes by accident or as if by accident, and insist that I take a look.

On monks:

I think they are men who do not expect their faith to end their own suffering.

On exile:

It is typical of exile that it changes you, and when you return, you don’t fit in the way you did before.

As I prepare for the Prov 8 Higher Ed & Young Adult Gathering this weekend, I have really been listening to the silence. I haven’t heard much…but I haven’t been as afraid of the silence either. As I “turn off the noise” this weekend…I will be keeping these three quotes in my head.

Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2006/03/practicing-resurrection/