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Ryan Gillespie
Author's posts
Jun 30 2007
changes
I haven’t posted in awhile, and part of that is because I’d been holding off on perhaps the biggest news until it was official. The big news is, I’m moving to LA at the beginning of August. An amazing opportunity kind of fell into my lap. I’m going to be working at the Episcopal Chaplaincy at the University of Southern California. I’ll be working closely with the Chaplain as a lay chaplain.
So as of now the tentative plan will be to be moved out of my apartment in Portland by Jul. 22. I’ll be down in Eugene through Aug. 6 and then head down to LA.
I’m excited…but its going to make for a busy July. I’m also taking a graduate-level history class at PSU through July 18th. So it’s work, school and getting ready to move for me for the next three weeks.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/06/changes/
Jun 04 2007
one deep breath: architecture
these are the shape of
things. sun prays. rain believes. wind
doubts. above all they dream.
more breaths of architecture from the poets at one deep breath
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/06/one-deep-breath-architecture/
May 29 2007
Welcome back to the work week
After a generally morose weekend, its back to work. But today is a good day. I think I’ve at least a bit dug out of the moroseness of the weekend and have a positive attitude going into this week. Sunday ended up making all the difference. Went on a long bike ride with a friend, then went over to another friends house and watched the end of the Stanley Cup Game 1. We had a little bbq afterwards and then I rode my bike home. After around 30ish miles of bike riding on Sunday, I slept very well last night.
The weather is supposed to be great all week, maybe even a little too hot on Wednesday (the first 90 degree High is predicited for Wednesday).
It’s gonna be a good week I think.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/welcome-back-to-the-work-week/
May 27 2007
forgotten
I’ve been struggling with my self esteem lately. It’s not just the normal I’ve been beaten up emotionally by the girls I’ve been interested in lately (which is still true). Lately I’ve felt like just an after thought in many of my relationships. From my parents not letting me know they were coming to town (or taking even a little time to stop by and see me) to another friend forgetting to let me know they were leaving (when they knew and had said I could go along with them).
As a result I’ve been spending a lot of time just sulking around my room. I’m sleeping a lot, not because I’m tired, but because I don’t have anything better to do. I have very little appetite lately, I eat, because I know I need to, but it rarely excites me. I’ve often “forgotten” to eat in the evenings, because nothing sounds good to me.
I’m not really sure how to escape this funk at the moment either. I’m confident that I will eventually, I’m just not sure what to do to help that process.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/forgotten/
May 21 2007
one deep breath: viewpoint
at the mountain’s peak
poems alive without breathing
words tossed to the wind
they hang in the mist seeping
so completely we forget
–a Renga written with Elizabeth Moore
more breathtaking views from the poets at one deep breath
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/one-deep-breath-viewpoint/
May 18 2007
They don’t finally meet somewhere
The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.
–Rūmī
I wonder if at times I am just guilty of hearing only what I want to hear. If perhaps I’ve been deceiving myself in my pursuit of some sort of meaningful relationship. That in my looking, I’ve become blind to love itself.
Over the past year it feels like I’ve been constently beaten down in this pursuit. I have to wonder if some of those bruises are self-inflicted. Am I ascribing feelings of love to feelings of lust? I fell for a couple different people this past year. Each time however fate seemed to have other things in store (pending moves were issues in both cases, though not by any means the only issues). I’m waiting for the day to arrive that the chorus of the Dire Straits song “Romeo & Juliet” will no longer be true.
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start,
And I bet, then you exploded in my heart,
And I forget, I forget, the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
Right now I am stuck in this paradox of extreme spring fever and an indifference towards relationships. I don’t need something completely serious…but I don’t want just a random hookup either. From experience, I know that the random hookup won’t make me any happier.
So I’m left with just faith. I believe, as Rūmī suggests, I will find what was in me all along. It brings me hope and with that hope I maintain at least some level of happiness. There are days that it is a struggle to believe in that hope and happiness. These days I rely on my faith and also on poetry. Sometimes what I need is time in prayer. Other times, the prayer comes through the poetry of others. Some days I just need to write. It doesn’t always make sense. It isn’t always poetry. It is just love. I don’t need to “understand” it. I just need to give myself to it. Without condition. Without requition. In many ways this has become my religion. Love and my faith in it.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/they-dont-finally-meet-somewhere/
May 14 2007
one deep breath: nurture
For the majority of my life, I’ve lived in the Northwest. As a result I’ve come to enjoy the rain. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the sun and welcome its return each spring, but I also look forward to the return of the rain come October. The rain is what helps Oregon retain its majestic beauty. So my response to this weeks prompt at One Deep Breath is dedicated to the rain, that nurtures our environment and provides our fresh water.
rain (a haiku)
in solace journey
to your collected presence
from grey life sustains
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/one-deep-breath-nurture/
May 10 2007
Running to Stand Still
On Tuesday, I found out that I did not get the internship in LA. While I’m quite relieved to at least know, I’m still a little bummed that I didn’t get it. LA isn’t my first choice of a place to live by far, however I think the year there would have been very good for me. What it has done is put me back into a brainstorming mode of what my next move is. Right now I’m blessed with a great job and boss so I’ve at least got that going for me. But it also doesn’t get me any closer to where I want to be. So I’ve got myself some time set up to talk to a friend and do some brainstorming on Monday morning. Hopefully, we’ll be able to come up with some good ideas from there.
What I see myself doing this week though is pulling inward. I’ve got no appetite for food, though I’m eating better this week than I did over the weekend. I’m going home tonight for Mother’s Day weekend, but that is also part of what is on my mind. A couple weeks ago, my parents were in town, and didn’t tell me they were coming up, and when I talked to them after finding out…didn’t make any time to see me.
I feel alone. If it wasn’t for one of my best friends, I might not have seen anyone outside of work this week. I barely even see my roommates…one of whom is a lame duck roommate as he’s moving out at the end of the month. So I also need to be searching for a new roommate, but I have no motivation for that either.
Tonight, 80’s Night at John Henry’s in Eugene. That will be fun. It’ll be good to see my Eugene friends and forget about everything else going on for a few hours.
Saturday, I get an eye exam. I don’t think my perscription will have changed, but its been long enough I need an exam to get new glasses. I’m going to get my Dolce & Gabanna frames relensed (I lost one of them) and I’m looking for new frames that are flamboyant and competely different from the three frames I already have.
Sunday is Mother’s Day. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do for her (other than give her the last installment of money that I owe her).
I’m also looking forward to watching the Planet Earth DVD’s on my dad’s HDTV.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/running-to-stand-still/
May 07 2007
one deep breath: sleep(lessness)
it eludes me…mind
distracted by heart’s thoughts
awake without you
some breaths of sleep
more sleepy breaths from the poets at one deep breath
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/one-deep-breath-sleeplessness/
May 07 2007
one deep breath: sleep
Two haiku on sleeping.
while dreaming it makes
perfect sense until dawn breaks
and shadows awake
—–
we share this sleep in
conversation silently
forgotten by dawn
a breath of sleep(lessness)
more sleepy breaths from the poets at one deep breath.
Permanent link to this article: https://www.rhinoblues.com/thoughts/2007/05/one-deep-breath-sleep/
